i wonder what it would feel like to not bother so much
sometimes i feel like i have a seriously distored view of my own life, it's a bit compliecated, but i'll try to explain.
do you ever have make-believe conversations in your head? i mean, thinking through a pretend conversation with someone and imagining the things they may be saying to you? well, i do that all the time.
earlier today i was thinking through a conversation i need to have with my arabic teacher tonight about how i won't be able to have a lesson for the next two weeks because i'll be in kenya. and then i imagined what she might say to that, and what she might think. now, obviously all the thoughts i come up with for other people in my pretend conversations - what their personal reactions to what i'm (mentally) saying might be - i recognise that its probably not what they would think, that on some level, that's what i'm actually thinking.
so what i imagined nashwa (my arabic teacher in cairo) might think upon hearing that i'll be in kenya for two weeks come sunday went something along the lines of: "wow, that girl is always going somewhere! didn't she only just have to take two weeks off lessons because she was in amsterdam?" i then suddenly got a pang of (kind of) vicarious jealousy for my seemingly jet-setting lifestyle.
then i realised that nashwa is way too stoic to think like that and that was actually, somehow, MY reaction. i recognised that feeling of "urgh, i wish i had a life like...".
yup, you guessed it...
one of my biggest character flaws is this: i only see how great things are when my perspective is somehow changed and i'm taken out of my own head. i can't seem to recognise the achievements i've made in my life so i'm constantly trying harder and harder to achieve without realising that, so far, i've done a pretty good job with my life and i should be happy with it - the only thing that i need to try harder to achieve is a feeling of satisfied happiness.
its good to grow and change as a person, but whats the point if you don't take the time to recognise and enjoy?
thats one of the reasons why blogging is so great, it forces you to write about positive things (because no one wants to hear from the grumpus too often) and share the good aspects of your life.
p.s. adam's sister is about to have a baby :)