what i wish i was*
what i actually am*
*no no no this is not a post about wishing i was skinnier or prettier...
i haven't been working for that long, not really. i did a short stint in the corporate sector and did a bit of financial and consumer pr before realising that it wasn't for me, not at all in fact i would rather eat my own hair. i think it was through a combination of lots of hard work and LOTS of frustrated tears mostly shed all over my friends and family that i managed to land in the job i do today. which i love.
graduating with an MA in the arts right in the middle of a recession meant that getting a job was never going to be easy for me - and i'll be honest, i spent 13 unemployed and humiliating months in london before i managed to land my first job. interview after interview, rejection after rejection - i think it really did a number on my professional confidence. don't get me wrong, i still put myself out there and i'm as ambitious as anyone, but the self doubt can be torturous!
and aside from feeling like i'm ALWAYS saying the wrong/inappropriate thing in meetings and to managers, i feel my phisical appearance does not lend itself to being taken seriosly in a work environment. i'm little, i dress a bit scruffily sometimes i.e. i wear jeans to work most days, my voice has a wee bit of a childish pitch to it, i'm more enthusiastic about my job than is appropriate, and i look about ten years younger than i actually am. i'm not necessarily complaining about this last point, but people are often surprised when i say how old i am, and this worries me - that my character as well as my appearance does not vouch for my maturity.
but, the more i made friends at work, the more i realised that everyone even some managers suffers from this same lack of self confidence - just most people don't think about it CONSTANTLY, like me. yet, there are those rare girls that are SO confident and SO professional that I wish I could emulate some of their qualities. no they are not perfect, but they are respected for being bloody amazing at their jobs and not lacking professinoal confidence because they are confident enough to know they are bloody amazing.
but, having said all that, i think its also important to be confident enough with who you are every second of every day to know that professional confidence is not everything. i think i'm not so bad at that kind of confidence - most of the time...